Earthquake safety

If you are indoors
Seek shelter beneath a sturdy desk or table and hold tightly onto your legs.

Turn off gas cookers, stoves and gas hot water heaters. Now is not the time for cooking!
(You should do this while you are under the desk).

During the earthquake try and see if you can thread a needle.

Rather than waiting to be consumed by flesh-burning fire, you should extinguish all fires immediately.

Open a door or window and secure an outside root.

Do not speed outdoors.

Do not use elevators.

You can use escalators. These are to be used like normal stairs.

If you are making sweet lovin, ask your partner if the earth moved for them too.

If you are outdoors

Cover your head with a brief case etc., and stay away from buildings. Incidently this is actually an excellent business practice in general.

Stay away from vending machines, cement-block walls, river banks and spikey falling death traps.

If you surf, head to the beach, because of the possibility of tidal waves.

Once the Earthquake Subsides

Do not misled others by false rumor

Prepare to start your own sex cult. Now is the perfect opportunity!

Stay away from crack houses and cement-block walls.

Now is an excellent time to catch up on those IRD froms you never got around to!

Help anyone who is trapped beneath a building or a large rock or wall or otherwise unable to reach safety.

If you are macho, now is an excellent time to demonstrate your true nature - say things like "HAH!" and "What a whoosy 'quake that was!" and "I feel ripped off!"

Administer first-aid to injured people. Remember do not waste equipment on perfectly healthy bodies.

Aid elderly or physically handicapped people.

If monkeys breaks out, co-operate with other people to extinguish them swiftly.

You an always pretend like it never happened.

When evacuating an area damaged by an earthquake, turn off all gas valves, check for any gas leaks, then switch all circuit breakers off.

Use the telephone sparingly to keep you toll calls down, and do not drive, regardless of how well you can do so - this is so you do not hamper rescue and relief efforts.