Top tips

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug
of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost
instantly removed.

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff broom
in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the side of
the road every time you have a minor accident.

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding at
people as they walk up the aisle.

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the chocolate
bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first
place, you fat bastards.

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat
friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The possibility
of putting that one in your mouth will put you off smoking any of them.

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and
telling her.

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic explorer by
simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their noses blue, and
cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to impress the girls.

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting someone
else to hold them while you chop away.

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following
morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full
of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

Make bath times as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by
pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their lights on
when their guide dog isn't looking.

Re-create the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home by
filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then
urinating into it, before jumping in.

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in a
sand pit in your garden and shag every bloke who looks at you over the
fence.

Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a
handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by drinking
two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange place the
following morning, having had your memory mysteriously 'erased'.

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and grazes
with thin strips of bacon.

Save money on expensive personalized car numberplates by simply changing
your name to match your existing plate - Mr KVL 741Y.

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to the
object you wish to view.

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully
refreshed and on time.

Pass yourself off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and
talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly, or
set fire to someone else's house.

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the
fishes'eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction
of oncoming traffic.

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a
large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road.

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating
cakes again.

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat
hanger in an emergency.

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,
imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your
intended destination in the first place.

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over any
that you catch in the act.

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic steroids by
running a bit slower Sweet corn fans. Save money on toilet paper by simply
pouring the stuff straight down the pan.

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating only
bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply
pissing in the sink.

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzeneggar by buying
one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag
from the butt of your last one.

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or
veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute
etc. 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know any difference.

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be
made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,
and ask for a nice steak.