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Personal Track Safety - Kama Sutra Edition

The following is some advice that I have researched into Safety instructions for people that are interested in having Sex in a British railway station

Contents


  1. Introduction

    This PTS handbook is for the use of:-
    • Anyone who wishes to engage in sexual activity on or near the railway line.
    • Anyone who's waiting for a late train and has nothing to do.
    • Anyone with a deathwish.
    • Anyone that's ever had to read though the real 'Personal Track Safety' manual.

  2. Whilst Bonking On The Station Platform

    1. When shagging on the platform, be sure you have a valid ticket and stand well back from the edge when a fast train passes. Also make sure you take your used condoms home with you, as left on the platform, they provide an ideal place for the IRA to plant bombs.

    2. To ensure that you get 'sucked off' in the correct manner stand well away from the edge of the platform.

    3. Try to avoid orgasm when the train is coming.

  3. On-board Train Procedures

    1. PICOW must make sure PICOP has taken place before the embarking upon journey.

    2. Never have sex on a train when it is standing still in a station. It's boring.

    3. British Rail accept no responsibility for premature ejaculation whilst the train is in motion.

    4. Sexual stimulation achieved by tying your genitals to the buffers of a train is not advised on the non-stop London to Edinburgh train.

    5. Horn blowing by train drivers, is prohibited in sections designated for oral sex, as sudden loud noises can lead to nasty accidents.

    6. Once horn blowing has commenced all loose clothing should be removed slowly, failing this, acknowledgement should be made by throwing up your arms and moaning.

  4. Making an obscene emergency call

    When making an obscene call:
    1. Breath heavily.
    2. State a false name and the names of other people you wish to implicate.
    3. State the phone number of your 'ex'.
    4. State what position you are currently in, and whether the electricity is a turn on.
    5. Give the location of your genitalia in relation to:
      A) Other persons involved.
      B) The nearest red light signal.
    6. Make sure the innuendoes are understood and stay in contact until no further stimulation is required.
    7. Deny all knowledge of any obscene calls when the quarterly bill comes in.

  5. Electric Shock And The Male Genitalia

    1. You must cover your hands with something dry which will not conduct electricity before touching any part of the male genitalia prior to intercourse.

    2. On no account must oral stimulation occur until the power has been turned off and the electrodes have been removed by the PICOW.

    3. If the casualty was performing in front of live overhead cameras, and no part of the body is extended more than two feet (60 cm) from the live camera, it is perfectly safe to touch the person as there is little chance of you being recognised.

    4. Make quite sure for your own safety, that no part of your body, your clothing, or anything you are holding that has distinguishing features gets within 2 feet (60 cm) of the overhead camera.

  6. Bonking or Wanking along the line without lookout protection

    1. Only have sex on or near the line when your urge requires it.

    2. Never use the line for a short bonk to or from a full sex session. Remember that once on the line your stimulation depends on your own preferences.

    3. Do not expose yourself to passing drivers.

    4. Before approaching a lineside partner, find out which way they go, or whether they go both ways. Sometimes partners may go either way on the same lines. You must also determine the maximum stamina in advance of partners you intend to approach.

    5. When you are in the 'on top' position, it is your duty to look out for on-coming trains, as your partner may not have a clear view of the track.

    6. Tying your partner to sleepers across tracks is not a great idea on a fast line. Try to keep to using the 6 foot between opposing pairs of bondage rails.

    7. At all times during flagellation assume a position of safety and do not enter any orifice or 'tunnel' unless you know the location of refuges available.

    8. When copulating at the side of the track, a clearance of 4.6 metres must be allowed, plus the combined width of all participants.

    9. Do not use metal condoms near AWSs.

    10. Safety precautions must be taken and HIV vests should be worn at all times.

    11. Withdrawing protection - you must remove the TCOD.

    12. Contraceptive devices larger than 500mm must not be left on the track or placed down toilets. They must be disposed of according to procedure 344B21-8 Subsection 5 paragraph 2c.

    13. Speed restrictions MUST apply to groups of three or more copulating on or near the trackside.

    14. Rapid arm movements during copulation are not permitted as they may confuse oncoming train drivers.

    15. Should your helmet drop off, raise the alarm and evacuate area immediately.

    16. Rail mounted trolleys are sometimes used to move materials along the line. Mounting rail trolleys is forbidden unless protective footwear is worn.

    17. Take extra care not to cum within 2.75 metres of the cuttings, or on embankments, structures or vehicles.

    18. Should unexpected fallout occur within 2.75 metres of the track the area should be declared a RED ZONE.

    19. When erecting in a tent make sure it is firmly secured with the arse end facing oncoming trains and that it is not more than 12 inches in height. This will minimise mooning as the trains pass. No part of the penis must be closer than 6ft (1.75m) from the nearest running rail.

    20. You may get on or off a HOBCM when wanking at ultra-low speed.

  7. Sexual Signalling Procedures

    1. Metalic clothing is a good idea when laying across track, as this gives the signalman the impression that there is a train on that section of track.

    2. Standing under red aspects is illegal (and very expensive).

    3. Make sure that any mains operated sex toys are suitable for use on the 115V test socket found in signalling boxes.

    4. Whipping of bare bottoms is not permitted near the track as they can be confused with red signals.

  8. Permission To Share Protection

    You must ensure that form RT/GHK30687 has been completed PRIOR to any agreement to share protection with any third-party.

    Failure to do so could lead to the following:

    1. Immediate withdrawal of tools.
    2. Permission to participate oral stimulation withdrawn.
    3. Birch-twig spanking reduced to twice a week.
    4. A nasty red rash.

  9. Meaning Of Terms Used In This Document

    • PICOW - Person In Charge of Wanking
    • PICOP - Penis Inserted Corruptly into Open Passage
    • WICOP - Wanker In Charge Of Perversions
    • PICARD - Baldy In Charge Of Spaceship
    • AWS - Anal Waxing System (Magnetic)
    • HOBCM - Horny Old Bastard Climaxing Male
    • TCOD - Tosser Comes Over Dog
    • PTS - Penis Trial Site
    • The "Four Foot" - Very impressive
    • The "Six Foot" - Unbelievable
    • The "Ten Foot" - See physical impossibilities
    • ATO - Automatic tit operation.
    • ATP - Anal test procedure
    • OLE - Open Leg Erection
    • TOWS - Twin Oral Wanking Spanking
    • SSI(i) - Sordid Sexual Indiscretions
    • SSI(ii) - Soggy Sex Instrument
    • SACEM - Slippery Anal Cavity Entrance Manipulator

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